Friday, June 19, 2015

Valentines Day Kilt Fire

The letter I wrote to Utilikilts (that nobody ever answered)
I've never really been one to subscribe to all the valentines day hype.  When you're single, it's an excuse to drink heavily. When you're not, it's an excuse to kill a few bottles of wine with your significant other. Either way, drinking is involved.

I wanted to show my lady a good time, so I made her a nice dinner, set out the candles, nice bottle of wine, donned my nicest kilt and waited for her to arrive home from work.

Dinner was great, the wine was good and by the end of dessert we were both ready to... well you know.

One of the first things I taught my lady about Utilikilts was the easy access feature of the "rip." 
1) remove belt
2) grab specific belt loop
3) pull hard

She has this particular move down very well. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

Anyway, in her haste to remove my clothing, she performed the rip and we went at it.

Some minutes later, I smelled something out of place. Casting my eyes around the room, I noticed that my utilikilt had landed on a small pile of candles near us. It caught fire and was sporting 8" flames and an aroma of burning fabric. 

I disengaged from my lover and grabbed the burning utilikilt. In my birthday suit, I opened the door to my concrete porch where I could smother the flames without igniting any more of my possessions or the naked woman who sat there and simply laughed at the whole debacle.

Kilt fire extinguished and candles moved to safer locations, we resumed our... earlier activities.

It wasn't until the next day that I got around to a full damage assessment. 

Where there had previously 8" flames, there now exists a ragged hole approximately 6" in diameter.  The fabric here is fused and melted together in various places rendering the kilt completely unwearable. (photos attached).

I purchased this "Original" model Utilikilt, my first, in 2006. At the time, I was in high school in Boulder, CO. I was one of two kilted people in my school of over 2,000 students and one of only a handful of men who regularly wore unbifurcated garments in the area, as far as I know. I currently reside in Flagstaff, Arizona. During my time at Northern Arizona University, I was the sole utilikiltarian and quickly earned the moniker "Kilt Guy." Now a working stiff, I'm just a weekend warrior for  the UK movement.

This kilt was and always has been my favorite for warm days or near-formal occasions. It was also the one that has held together best, looked sharpest, and maintained pleat shape without any kind of maintenance or thought on my part.

I see now that there is a New Standard available, as well as the old style. I currently own a tan Workmans, a Black survival and the limited edition Mock-u-Mercial winners kilt from the 2007 competition, in addition to this now-destroyed Original. Please consider this email my order for a New Standard edition - but only if it really IS better than the Original.

This model is a 35, short length (21.5). 

I look forward to speaking with one of your fantastic sales team to take my payment information. Please feel free to share this story with others as a warning: If your woman (or women) enjoy ripping your kilt off you - please ensure they do so away from open flame.

Your fellow Utilikiltarian in freedom,

- Matt Beaty

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